my relationship with amanda is on the rocks, again. and it's bringing me down. not as much as before though. i think i'm starting to accept the fact that amanda and i are drifting a part and becoming different people, that God is taking us into different places in our lives. i get really frustrated when she asks me to hang out, because i feel like i have to. or like i have to invite her to hang out because if i don't she'll get mad. this is exactly what i had to talk to her about before. and every time she asks me to hang out she says the same thing, that she feels like she hasn't seen me in weeks and misses me... la la la la la. so then i just get even more stressed than i am because i feel like i have to hang out with her. i don't want it to be that way. and when we don't hang out, it's not the same. i can't just sit there and have a conversation with her without being interrupted or having awkward silences. idk it's really frustrating. she sent me a message on facebook last night about it. so i just responded. i wanted to take the day to pray about what i was going to say, and also to talk to sarah about it. she told me to just be honest with her. but i feel like it's hard for me to be honest without completely hurting her. so i did my best. and i'm gonna keep praying about it. maybe it's just time for us to go our separate ways, and later we can be friends again. i just don't know anymore.
then there's TJ. i'm actually writing this because i read my last post and thought it was funny/annoying how nothing seems to change. i have hung out with TJ a few more times since i wrote that post, but i was still the one asking him to hang out. and frankly, i'm really tired of it. i talked to sarah about it tonight and she strongly encouraged me to not invite him to hang out anymore. i told her how i was tired of being the one putting all this effort into our friendship, and not getting anything back. she told me that that's not how it should be. he should be the one asking me to hang out. she said that it seems like guys are just taking a back seat in relationships because somewhere in the last 60 yrs women have become more assertive and forward towards men. that now they see that we will do all the work, so they're just along for the ride. that's not how it should be. i deserve to be pursued as a friend. and really, i don't just want to have all these guy friends. i want to be hanging out with a guy who genuinely cares about me, wants to get to know me, and see if i'm someone he could spend the rest of his life with. this is just another one of those things that the devil keeps bringing up and i'm sick of it. so from today on, i'm not going to ask TJ to hang out. maybe in a few weeks he'll realize that i haven't invited him to do anything and he'll ask me to hang out, maybe he won't. but if he wants to pursue a relationship with me, he will. i'm also going to be praying a lot. praying that if i'm not supposed to date him and marry him, or even be friends with him, that God would change my heart toward him. i don't want to have anything in my life that isn't going to be good for me. i don't want my desires to take over if they're not in line with God's desires for my life. so now i am the one who is going to take a backseat in this relationship and see what happens. it's gonna be hard if he doesn't ask me to hang out, because that obviously means he doesn't even want to have a friendship, but that's really when i'll need God to step in and change my heart.
i know that with God on my side, i can get through these 2 things. that my relationship with amanda will either be mended or severed, and the same with TJ. but i trust in my Jesus, that He has my best interest in mind and he wouldn't do anything to harm me, or put anything on my plate that's too hard for me to carry.
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